He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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