Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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