I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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