He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
