How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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