she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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