Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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