I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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