U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My friends, they love my intelligence
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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