also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
