we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize