So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
