buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
