after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
