Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
