Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
