I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
