I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize