morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Damn victory sex feels great
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
