Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
