Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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