Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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