I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize