I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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