You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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