Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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