I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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