New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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