Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Vodka?
Forever.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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