You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
