apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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