LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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