no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
