i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
