Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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