You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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