i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i think im in europe. pls send help
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
