It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
