Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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