she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
