I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
