Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
