So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
