whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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