He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
