you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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