I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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