I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
