sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
