Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
