I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
