Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
