you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
