Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
