There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
