turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
