The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
